Did you ever wonder about the universe? I'd like to do that some day.
Since I heard that to air is human I never worry about letting wind.
I have an old rocking chair. I might get around to fixing it one day.
I saw a sign in this shoe store window. "Buy one, get one free."
At a Halloween party, I went as myself. Nobody recognized me.
My dad used to beat me… but I was never good at board games.
I think I once forgot what I was doing, but I can't remember if I did.
I asked my dog Skippy, "How's life treating you?" He answered, "Ruff."
I think what a lot of people don't know is that a lot of people know that.
When I close my eyes I can't focus on my eyelids because they're too close.
I tried not thinking once, but it didn't work because I wasn't paying attention.
I found two snowflakes that were identical; they both looked like drops of water.
I bought a mirror but had to take it back because everything in it was backwards.
I know the largest number, but I can't tell you it because you'll just add one to it.
I was going to go to a garage sale, but the one I've got is still in good condition.
Spelling is hard for me because I think I'm missing some letters of the alphabet.
I used to play basketball with my baby brother… until he got stuck in the hoop.
Does it bother you that peanut butter looks like shit? How about with jelly?
Climate change seems real. I've noticed 85° feels hotter than it used to?
Did you ever try to stop looking at a beautiful person? I'll bet it's hard.
My snoring used to wake me up; but now I sleep in the next room.
My friend Thru Trucks isn't allowed to travel down some roads.
I had an invisible comb but misplaced it; now I can't find it.
Did you ever not scratch an itch? It goes away, I'm told.
I dreamt I woke up… then I realized I wasn't dreaming.
Sometimes life really is like a bowl of cherries… pitiful.
I knew a guy who got hit by lightning. But not anymore.
I read a book in Russian. I didn't understand a word of it.
My uncle won't answer his phone unless it rings only twice.
I tried whittling once, but I discovered I wasn't any good at it.
I mark my socks with "L" and "R" so I get them on the correct feet.
I think if I never go to a nudist camp I probably wouldn't have anyway.
My dog had a front leg amputated, and now whenever he pees, he falls over.