• Did you ever wonder about the universe? I'd like to do that some day.
• Since I heard that "to air is human" I never worry about letting wind.
• I have an old rocking chair. I might get around to fixing it one day.
• I saw a sign in this shoe store window. "Buy one, get one free."
• At a Halloween party, I went as myself. Nobody recognized me.
• My dad used to beat me… but I was never good at board games.
• I think I once forgot what I was doing, but I can't remember if I did.
• I asked my dog Skippy, "How's life treating you?" He answered, "Ruff."
• I think what a lot of people don't know is that a lot of people know that.
• When I close my eyes I can't focus on my eyelids because they're too close.
• I tried not thinking once, but it didn't work because I wasn't paying attention.
• I found two snowflakes that were identical; they both looked like drops of water.
• I bought a mirror but had to take it back because everything in it was backwards.
• I know the largest number, but I can't tell you it because you'll just add one to it.
• I was going to go to a garage sale, but the one I've got is still in good condition.
• Spelling is hard for me because I think I'm missing some letters of the alphabet.
• I used to play basketball with my baby brother… until he got stuck in the hoop.
• Does it bother you that peanut butter looks like shit? How about with jelly?
• Climate change seems real. I've noticed 85° feels hotter than it used to?
• Did you ever try to stop looking at a beautiful person? I'll bet it's hard.
• My snoring used to wake me up; but now I sleep in the next room.
• My friend Thru Trucks isn't allowed to travel down some roads.
• I had an invisible comb but misplaced it; now I can't find it.
• Did you ever not scratch an itch? It goes away, I'm told.
• Sometimes life really is like a bowl of cherries… pitiful.
• I think that the average person is dumber than most?
• I dreamt I woke up… then I realized I wasn't dreaming.
• I knew a guy who got hit by lightning. But not anymore.
• I read a book in Russian. I didn't understand a word of it.
• My uncle won't answer his phone unless it rings only twice.
• I tried whittling once, but I discovered I wasn't any good at it.
• I mark my socks with "L" and "R" so I get them on the correct feet.
• I think if I never go to a nudist camp I probably wouldn't have anyway.
• My dog had a front leg amputated, and now whenever he pees, he falls over.