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Daffynitions; new Definitions for Old Words

Funny definitions for ordinary words; like "autopsy"--a dying practice

A daffynition is any twisted and humorous definition of an English word.  Although many daffynitions are just horrible puns (for example, “each = something you scratch”), some are clever epigrams.  (See also More Daffynitions and Prefixed Daffynitions.)


abdication — Giving up on stomach exercises.

adult — A person who has stopped growing up and starts growing out.

anarchy - Exception to the rule.

ashtray — Pig Latin for a piece of trash.

atheist — A believer in non-belief.

autopsy — A dying practice.

bachelor — A guy who never finds out how many faults he has.

bankers — The rooters of all evil.

bargain — Something that makes you think you’re saving money when you’re spending it.

bore — Someopne who, when you ask how he is, tells you.

bureaucracy — Capital punishment.

cannibal — Someone who is fed up with people.

card — Someone in a play suit.

chef — A cook with a large hat and a head to fill it.

chickens — Animals you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.

church — Where the world is seen through stained-glass.

committee — A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

consciousness — That nightmare between sleeps.

custody — The last battle in a marriage.

cynics — Ignorant people who are ruining the county.

death — The only escape from taxes.

dictionary — The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

dignify — A way to make the hole you’re in look good.

diplomat — A person who tells you to get lost and you can’t wait to get started.

download — A crucial step in making a pillow.

dust — Mud with the juice squeezed out.

esoteric — A word known only by esoteric people.

expression — Non-stop talking.

finance — The artful application of arithmetic.

flabbergasted — Reaction to seeing oneself naked in a mirror.

flashlight — A case for holding dead batteries.

fortune teller — A bank employee who only deal with large accounts.

gossip — An independent news source.

government — A necessity we could do without.

hanging — A suspended sentence.

hangover — The wrath of grapes.

headache — A cheap and effective contraceptive.

heirloom — A dead giveaway.

honeymoon — When a married couple moon their honeys.

hunch — A gut feeling you get during lunch.

hypochondriac — Someone who won’t let well enough alone.

inertia — Resisting arrest.

jury — A panel of twelve untrained in law who are asked their legal opinion.

kernel — A unit of corny.

lawyer — Deceiver, as in ”lawyer, lawyer, pants on foyer.“

life — A sexually transmitted terminal disease.

lightheaded — Halo effect.

locomotive — Insanity plea.

lottery — A tax on people who are lousy at math.

lymph — To walk with a lisp.

manicurist — Someone who makes money hand over fist.

mosquito — An insect that makes flies tolerable.

normal — 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.

optimist — A person who smells smoke and gets out the marshmallows.

pessimist — Someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

petroleum — Floor covering for dog and cat owners.

politician — One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

politics — Where truth lies.

predestination — Doomed from the start.

relentless — Not allowing someone to borrow something a second time.

religion — Where you find prophets and non-profits.

secret — News you tell to one person at a time.

Semite — Big-truck driver.

shin — What you use to find furniture in the dark.

sleep — That fleeting moment that ends alarmingly.

slumber — Salvaged wood from condemned house.

stick — A boomerang that doesn’t come back.

statistics — Where the truth lies.

suburbia — Where they cut down trees and put in streets named after them.

teenager — One whose hang-ups do not include clothes.

tomorrow — A great labor saving device of today.

tornado — An ending with a twist.

truth — Something that doesn’t lie in the open.

volunteer — Take on work that makes no cents.

wealth — Envied ownership.

yawn — An honest opinion openly expressed.

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