Sexy Language

The movement to liberate the English language from male chauvinism seems to have petered out.  The vogue to replace “miss” and “Mrs.” with “Ms.” is passé—the trend to neuterize such words as “spokesman” with “spokesperson” has stalled.  What’s worse, these revisions were not encompassing enough and actually took a wrong turn.

Think about it.  What is so liberated about “chairperson”… or even “perSON,” for that matter?  Why not “perdaughter” and consequently, “chairperdaughter?” Shouldn’t we have desexed “huMAN” and feminized “feMALE?” I think it’s time we brought a more systematic change to the English language.

We should start by unisexing the general name for homo sapiens, as well as us hetero sapiens.  “Human” and “human being” needs to change to something asexual, to something like, I don’t know, maybe “hu-being.”  Hence, we should speak of the “hubeing race.”

Now let’s look at “female” and “woman.”  If you think about it, the core parts of these nouns, “male” and “man,” are effeminate words with those first two letters “ma,” from the Latin for mother, mater.  Therefore I propose dropping the “fe” and the “wo” and instead refer to the child-bearing member of the species as simply “male” and “man.”

Then to be consistent, her breadwinning counterpart should be called “pale” and “pan,” derived from the Latin word for father, pater.  We would then have “chairman” when it’s the gentler of the sexes, and “chairpan” when it’s the more logical member of the “hubeing species.” Of course, the anonymous designation would be “chairhubeing.”

Carrying the “m” and “p” designations of the sexes to its logical conclusion, it follows that “mister,” or “Ms.” (pronounced “mizz”), refers to the lovely honoring-and-obeying partner while the title for the cherishing-and-protecting spouse would be “pister,” or “Ps.” (pronounced “pizz.”)

Now let’s straighten out “she” and “he.” Since the letters HE are two thirds of “she” and “her,” “he” should become the pronoun of the more emotional of the sexes.  And since we find the letters HI as the root of “him” and “his,” I propose “hi” be the pronoun for the stronger gender.  Hence, “hi” never asks directions and “he” doesn’t know how to read a map.  Similarly, “heman” would refer to the muscle-bounded “hubeing” without an Adam’s apple while “hipan” would refer to her hairy-chested “pale” counterpart.

But wait a second.  The child-bearing “hubeings” are not the only objects of language discrimination.  Tables and benches and desks deserve fairness also.  Therefore, instead of “chairhubeing,” I recommend “furniturehubeing.”